Innocent Bystanders...

When the Decision to Abort Was Not Their Choice

We have talked a lot over the past few years about how abortion doesn't just hurt the mother. We know now that abortion hurts the father as well as everyone in the family, close friends, and those involved in carrying out the abortion at clinics and hospitals. While the mother's pain is unique and set apart from the wounds others around her experience, those others are no less significant.

What we haven't talked about is how those others are affected. As I've examined their stories, I've realized how widely varied the responses to abortion can be, even for those close to the abortive parents. For example, having been an accomplice, I experienced some of the same symptoms of post-abortion syndrome as a post-abortive mother. As a result, I have a great deal of compassion toward those that have made the choice to abort. However, those that were close to the mother (or those that became doctors and nurses to save lives) but were not allowed to be involved in the decision-making process often feel some very different emotions.

One gentleman we encountered recently was very bitter toward the post-abortive. You see, he had lost both a grandchild and a great-grandchild to abortion. He was powerless to prevent his daughter and granddaughter from going through with their abortions. And in the wake of the grief over those losses, his pain had turned to bitterness and contempt. There was no compassion in his voice as he expressed his outrage that they had committed what to him was an unthinkable crime. In his mind, not only had they committed a crime, but they had "gotten off Scott-free."

Another gentleman, a pastor I met a few years ago was in seminary when a fellow student and his wife found themselves facing an unexpected and ill-timed pregnancy just as he was preparing to begin working in the ministry. As desperately as this pastor tried to dissuade his friend from choosing abortion his arguments fell on deaf ears. This couple was afraid they wouldn't be able to follow God's call in the ministry with the added expenses of another child to feed and care for, so in essence they aborted their child for the sake of the ministry.

As I listened to this pastor retell his story, I was taken aback by his lack of compassion toward the post-abortive. Now, however, I understand more clearly where he was coming from. He was affected by that abortion, but not in a way that made him compassionate toward them. Instead of softening his heart toward the plight of the post-abortive, his heart was hardened, and understandably so.

If I had the opportunity to speak with this particular pastor again I would ask him if he knows where this couple is.... Are they still in the ministry? (I would be shocked if they were.) Are they even still married? (Again, upwards of 80% of married couples divorce following an abortion.) I would pray for words of wisdom from God to shed light on the incredibly deep wounds the post-abortive experience; illuminating how it affects every area of their life; how it holds them captive in a prison of unimaginable guilt, regret, and shame.... And I would pray that God would soften his heart toward them.

But my point in all this rambling is that we in this area of ministry are going to encounter all kinds of people affected in all kinds of ways by abortion. When we meet someone that is hardened toward the post-abortive we need to probe that person to discover why it is they feel as they do -- not in order to scold them for not being compassionate, but so that we can tend to their wounds as well. Anytime we carry feelings of unforgiveness or bitterness toward others it is evidence of a wound. Ours is not to pick and choose to whom we would offer to be Christ's hands and feet and heart. These people deserve the same lovingkindness, compassion, and understanding we are so quick to offer to those to whom the choice belonged.