An Honest Confession...

I am always learning things about myself.

A couple of nights ago my husband and I went out for a farewell dinner with some friends that are moving out of state in a couple of weeks. They are friends we know and love but in all honesty there's a lot about them we don't know. We've really been more of "friendly acquaintances" in the couple of years that we 've known them. We've shared the illness and loss of a dear friend and sister in Christ, but our relationship with them has not deepened on many levels.

Anyway, they were asking about this ministry and what we are doing. As I thought later about the conversation I realized something very uncomfortable about myself.... As I talked about what we're doing through In Our Midst I didn't look the wife in the eye. In fact I looked everywhere but there.

As I realized that I asked myself, "Why?" Why didn't I look her in the eye? Why was I hesitant to share my passion for the post-abortive with them openly?

I questioned my motives quite thoroughly, even repeatedly passing over the answer that was screaming at me inside.... I didn't go into great detail, I didn't look her in the eye because I didn't want to see what might be there.... I wasn't afraid she would be uninterested or condemning or critical... I was afraid that if I looked her in the eye I might see that familiar look that says, "I've had an abortion."

In my attempt at an evening of normalcy, in my desire to have an enjoyable evening with friends without the outing of another abortion secret -- or worse, the refusal to share the secret -- I looked away. I'm not in any way suggesting that she is most likely post-abortive; this is not about her at all. It's about my own weakness; my own area of denial and lack of availability. And should any of you think less of me for it you are not alone.... I'm feeling pretty awful about that part of myself as well.

The missing (or perhaps 'less obvious' might be more accurate) piece of the puzzle, however is what it always is... Jesus. He knows my weaknesses, He even sympathizes with them. [Hebrews 4:15] How I praise Him for that! And the beautiful thing about this whole ugly scenario is that He has brought this weakness to light, and even in His sympathy He has dealt with this dark corner of my heart. The result is that I will never again be able to look away.

I tell you this for a few reasons: (1) because we are instructed to confess our sins to one another, (2) for accountability, and (3) to encourage you to never stop learning about yourself. When we stop examining ourselves in light of God's truth we become rigid and inflexible (spiritually speaking), and perhaps by doing so we let pride get a foot in the door of our hearts.

The bottom line? I am fallible. If any of you think I should be farther along in this journey, you're probably right! But the truth is that "this" is where I am and yes, I have a long way to go. Thanks be to God, He will take me the rest of the way, and someday He will take me home! [How I long for the day...!] In the meantime I remain a work-in-progress. But although I may be faithless at times, He is always faithful!